Learning to Cope

So it began. I don't really remember the exact sequence of events after that. After all, it was 21 years ago. Just that we were admitted and in isolation. I asked Sandra if his chicken pox ever developed and we both think so. He was on chemotherapy, his swelling went down, they biopsied his lymph node and they made a diagnosis. I know they came up with a chemotherapy protocol, but I don't remember if it was a different one from the original one they gave him. I just remember that we went through several protocols. Can't remember if we went home in between, probably.

Sandra reminded me this morning that her brother Lauren had also been diagnosed with cancer shortly before Spencer was. I had forgotten. Not that he had been diagnosed, but that he was diagnosed so close to Spencer. It was a tough time, a lot was going on. Even now, thinking back and trying to remember these things is difficult and emotional, but probably cathartic. Emotionally, I don't really know how we coped, we just did. We had a daughter (and son) we had to take care of, we had jobs, we just did our best and took it day to day. Many people have said to us, "I don't know how you did it". Like we had a choice? We heard rumors of parents throwing themselves off the atrium and killing themselves. In fact, they did enclose the balconies on the atrium with glass for just that reason.

Up to this point, we really didn' know what all we were about to deal with. I just comes, one layer at a time. I know Sandra cried, I cried too but not as much. Sandra talked a lot about things, me not as much. I remember taking solace in being able to go to work, put on my headphones and draw. In my own little world, where I at least felt like I had some control. I am sure Sandra called friends, talked to friends, wrote cards and letters. We have them all, I don't look at them. Too painful. Maybe she does, but by now even she limits her exposure. I would get angry. I remember freaking out at the security guards at CHOP. For stupid things, they were just doing their job but my patience was short. Once, we were stopped on 34th street. They were doing construction and I got pissed at someone, one of the construction workers I believe, the guy directing traffic. I got so angry, I put the parking brake on the car and started getting out to kick the guy's ass when Jessica started freaking out and crying. She didn't want me to leave the car. She was probably 5, I was stupid. I got back in and drove off.

Summer was coming, we were coming up to two months in, and Spencer celebrated his second birthday. Not many people could come as he was immuno-compromised. It was sad and so very different from his first birthday.

Spencer's Second Birthday Party