Why, God or why God?

I was baptized at Wallace Memorial Presbyterian Church in Langley Park, Maryland. We used to go every Sunday when I was younger. Most of the time we went to Sunday school while my mother went to church. Afterwords, we would stop to pick up doughnuts and the Sunday edition of the Washington Post. That was always the treat after church, eating doughnuts and reading the funny papers. One Sunday, we all went to church together. Being a little kid in church, I am sure I squirmed and misbehaved. I was threatened with an ass beating, and I am sure I crossed whatever the qualifying line for that beating was. I still remember that ride home, worried about the approaching spanking all the way, even as we stopped to get doughnuts. When we arrived home, the beating never came. Not that such things didn't happen, just this time it was an idle threat. I still remember that dilemma though, treat or terror? After a while we would be driven to Sunday school by my Mom, in her pajamas, and then picked up afterwards. Eventually we were asked if we still wanted to go, and being kids, the answer was obvious, no. So that ended my time at Wallace Memorial.

As a teenager I was confirmed Episcopalian at Church Farm School or as it is now called; CFS, The School at Church Farm, between Malvern and Exton, PA. It was something we were expected to do, not something I initiated. Although we attended chapel daily and church on Sunday, it was a requirement, not something I wanted to do. By my senior year in high school I was living in Boulder, CO. My girlfriend was christian and a member of Young Life, a group of new testament Christians and the young people's version of the New Life Church. I listened to the discussion, but really was more interested in the fellowship and being with my girl friend.

Between high school and college I was in the Army. I was stationed in Germany and wasn't even close to a war zone, so I had no use for religion.

It wasn't until college that I seriously considered religion and God. I had a design problem in my architecture design class to create a "Place of Meditation" which prompted a lot of philosophical discussion and inspired me to take a survey of world religions class. Although I had a lot of exposure to traditional western Christian religion, I found I was drawn to eastern religions and Zen Buddhism specifically. Miracles, virgin birth, resurrection, the Devil, as well as all the brutality associated with organized western religions left me skeptical and disenfranchised. Peace, being "centered" and of "one mind" were more compelling to me than repentance and confession. I associated with the idea that we were all a part of the energy that is life, we shared that common energy and each of us represented the embodiment of that energy. We are God, and for that reason we must love one another. When we died, that energy continued in others and our bodies return to the earth.

Then Spencer died. And Sandra's brother Lauren died too. And I wanted to believe that they were all together in Heaven. Spencer sitting on the lap of a human, grand-fatherly like God. One big happy family. I found it hard to believe that my son was gone into a nothingness of "energy", into the ether. I wanted to know, to believe, that he was being looked after.

The question of why is one that everyone who experiences a premature loss struggles with. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents! How could this happen? What God would allow these things to happen to an innocent? And some of the stupid comments from religious people were maddening. Part of God's plan? Are you fucking kidding me? What sick fuck makes those kind of plans and why would I worship them?

I don't know and won't pretend to have the answers. I just know there are a lot of people out there who are just a confused as me. I think we just need to try to have compassion for each other, love each other, and try to forgive each other. We all need all the help we can get.